Selfishness is truly a characteristic to be detested. Being selfish is nothing to be proud of. First let's define the word "selfish." Merriam-Webster's definition of selfish is "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well being without regard for others." Some synonyms of the word "selfish" are egotistic, narcissistic, self absorbed, self centered, self concerned, self serving. Now there are people, for whatever reason, commit selfish acts once or more than once, then there are people who are totally and utterly selfish. Every move they make is one that is only concerned with self. Their reflex action is always of a selfish nature. They always want to know how something benefits them. Some people know they are selfish and are proud of it. Some people are not aware of their selfish behavior. The funny thing is there are probably some some pretty selfish people reading this right now, thinking about the people in their lives they feel have been selfish towards them. It is that deep.
Why be selfish? To protect and look out for their best interest. At one time or another this person was let down, hurt, taken advantage of and refuses to be put in that position again. By no means am I making excuses for some one's selfish behavior. However, as human beings, we want to know why people do what they do. It helps us to understand and hopefully deal with it better. Some people feel that being selfish is the only way their needs will be met. Being selfish is a learned behavior just like lying or yelling. These are all behaviors people have learned to do as a response to other behaviors. Some people feel that telling a lie is easier than telling the truth because they didn't like the reaction they received from telling the truth (Now that is a whole nother issue we will not dive into at this time). Some people yell because they think this will help get their point across, at one time speaking softly did not yield the response they desired and yelling does. Now we have people who feel like being selfish is the only way to yield the response they desire.
Now please don't confuse self love with being selfish. You can love, care for and honor yourself and not be selfish. There is a fine line and a big difference. It is important for us to practice self care and self love. But guess what? We can do those things without hurting others. Those are the things that must come first before we can love another. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. Being selfish does not need to play a part. We care for ourselves by going to the doctors when we should, eating healthy, exercising, getting adequate rest, slowing down when our body tells us, not taking on too much, keeping our stress level down, being around positive people, etc. We love ourselves by accepting & respecting who we are as human beings allowed to make mistakes, forgiving ourselves, not beating ourselves up, the world will do that, we do not need to add to it. We engage in activities that make us happy, that bring us joy. There should be no guilt in loving and caring for ourselves and at no point did I mention disregarding others. We do not have hurt others in order to feel better. We do not have to speak or act negatively to others, making them feel feelings we don't like to feel ourselves. We can love us and them at the same time.
How to deal with selfish people, very carefully. We have to remember that they are selfish, not us. We do not want to take on their selfish behavior. We find the need to protect and look out for ourselves when we are around selfish people. No need. As long as you communicate clearly with that person your boundaries, you adhere to those boundaries, you should be fine. We must know that we cannot control others' behavior, we can only control our response to them. We may notice that keeping our distance from that person is the only response, if you can do that, but if you can't, you may need to think of strategies to help you in situations of close proximity with a selfish person. One thing to do is know that they will choose themselves over you everyday, they will not hesitate in hurting your feelings to protect theirs. The first thing we want to do is think "how can someone be so selfish?" No time for judgment, just be yourself, do not let this person take you off your square. Be clear in your communication, set your boundaries, and stick to it. Also, assess whether this person needs to play an active role in your life, if not, stay away. With some people, like family and co-workers we have to suck it up and think of other ways of coping. Some people we just don't need to be around for any reason so why add to the stress and strain. Sometimes if severing ties is the consequences of selfish behavior, if that person wants you in their life, they may adjust themselves a bit for you, I said, a bit. Please know this is an ongoing behavior that is extremely hard to change. Also know that a person cannot be selfish and love you at the same time. Not possible. Whether they are in a selfish phase or certain situations trigger a certain selfish act or they are selfish down to their DNA, it is a behavior. The person has to want to change their behavior you cannot do anything about it or for it. If someone in your life is selfish, they have admitted it and want to change it then you can support them in this endeavor, but your role as supporter will be a difficult one so be ready.
How to change your own selfish behavior, the first step is being honest with yourself about being selfish. Have you been thinking of yourself regardless of others. Having your been hurting others in order to get your needs met. STOP IT! How? Now this is if you want to stop being selfish, some will still feel justified in their selfish behavior even after reading this. You know what, that is quite alright. But here's my disclaimer: acting selfishly will cause damage to your health, spirituality, and relationships with family and friends. Selfish people are rarely healthy, they are usually stressed. Their spiritual well being is compromised by being selfish, spiritual health requires you to be humble and loving; you can't do that while being selfish. Your relationships will be damaged because NO ONE wants to be around a selfish person. People will get tired real soon of being hurt and ignored by you. If you are okay with these selfish side effects, then by all means, carry on. If you are not, and you want to change this disgusting behavior, please take note. It will not be easy. Like all behavior change, you must be consistent. You must think about your actions as they happen, assess the motives for those actions: love or selfishness? If it's selfishness, retract, rethink and come again. At first it will feel unnatural, you will be frustrated. Sometimes you will revert back to what comes natural to you, but you have to persevere. Behavior change takes a change in knowledge, perception and efficacy. You know better, you see things differently and you have the ability to change it. People will not respond to you as they once have, remember this, the people around you have been used to you being selfish and they treat you a certain way because of it. You haven't noticed because you have been so busy being selfish. I wish you all of the best in your behavior change adventure. Please keep me posted on how things go.
I end this with this: LOVE and SELFISHNESS cannot exist in the same space. Choose wisely.
With Love
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