Picture a forest where animals roam. They walk freely in search of food and/or shelter. As they walk, you hear a snap, they are up in a net hanging from a tree. Someone has set a trap, they are now caught up.
Now think about your own life, on your journey. You are focused on what you need to accomplish, where you need to go and all of sudden you become "caught up". The idea of being "caught up" is being distracted, distracted from those things you should be doing. The following are some "caught up" scenarios:
Scenario #1
A young lady has a set of goals. She has a job, but she would like a better job so she decides to go back to school. She is also saving her money because eventually she would like to buy a house. She meets a young man. He is impressed by her focus. He is attracted to her quest for a better life and wants to be apart of that quest. They spend time together, go on dates, then the young man begins to complain about the long hours she's working and time spent at school. He also wants to participate in activities that take her away from work/school and she has to spend money that she should be saving. She likes this guy and wants to spend time with him so she is not at work as much, not studying as much, her grades are in jeopardy. She is not saving her money, but using it to travel and have fun with him.One day she realizes that goals seem further and further away. This young lady has found herself "caught up!" What she needs to know is that you can balance a relationship and goals, but it has to be with someone who respects those goals enough not to get in the way. The person may not be aware of their behavior. Once you bring it to their attention, you will know based on their actions whether or not they respect your goals (see blog post on Selfishness) and if this relationship can continue or will you just give up your goals all together.
Scenario #2
A man who grew up in poverty and watched his mother struggle to make ends meet decides that he will never live like that. He never wanted to be without. So he went to college, eventually got a job that paid well. He works and makes very good money so he is able to purchase all of the things he likes. He has a big house and drives an expensive car. He should be happy, right? Well it seems that he works so often, he is not home long enough to enjoy his house or the things he spent so much money on. He cannot attend family functions because he is always working. His friends stopped calling a long time ago, no longer inviting him to events because he's always working, or tired from always working. A relationship with a woman is out of the question, he doesn't have time to cultivate a relationship. This man is now 45 years old, with money, cars, homes and things but no family, friends or significant other. He has found himself "caught up!" Caught up in making money and missing life. There is more to life than making money and he learned this lesson at the cost of being alone.
Scenario #3
A young lady who has been through it all, hanging out for years. She used to go out to the club every single night. She would meet men and have sex with them a short time after meeting them. Her friends and family tried talking to her, tried to help her see her behavior was not healthy. She was the party girl. Eventually she got to her 30th birthday and realized this is not the life she wanted. A friend who invites her to church every Sunday with her usual response being negative, invites her again. This time she decides to go. The sermon topic is "Get it together," oh how appropriate. It's funny how it seems like the preacher is talking directly to her. Well she heard every word and it resonated in her spirit. When the preacher asked if anyone wanted to give their life to Christ, she immediately stood on her feet and walked to the alter, hands raised to the sky, tears rolling down her cheek. She wanted a new life and she wanted it right then and there. She felt good. She felt renewed. She went home and threw out all of her skimpy clothes, she purchased a bible, read it all of the time. She went to work, telling everyone what happened and how they needed to do the same thing. She went to church every Sunday, she went to bible study and Sunday school. She no longer went out and when her friends called she preached to them how they need to change or they were going to hell. Everywhere she went she preached. She judged her friends and family on their actions. After a while she went to church and when a young lady came to church, who was in a similar situation she was in the year before. She looked at the woman with her face all screwed up, telling her what she wore to church was inappropriate. After all she had done in her life, it is great that she decided to turn her life around, BUT, this young lady has found herself "CAUGHT UP!" Again there is a need for balance. Adjust your life gradually, use your experience to help others, but by no means, is it acceptable to judge others and make them feel less than human.
These are just a few ways people have found themselves "caught up." At one time or another we have all found ourselves "caught up." We let something or someone distract us from our purpose, our goals. When you realize things are off track, step back, asses your situation. Think about what adjustments can and need to be made. How can you turn this around? Take the necessary steps to get back on track. You may have to rethink your priorities. You may make some people upset or uncomfortable. You may find yourself uncomfortable. That's okay. The ultimate goal is for you to be happy, walking in your purpose and not get caught up!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
If I have your back, and you have your back, who has my back?
Selfishness is truly a characteristic to be detested. Being selfish is nothing to be proud of. First let's define the word "selfish." Merriam-Webster's definition of selfish is "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well being without regard for others." Some synonyms of the word "selfish" are egotistic, narcissistic, self absorbed, self centered, self concerned, self serving. Now there are people, for whatever reason, commit selfish acts once or more than once, then there are people who are totally and utterly selfish. Every move they make is one that is only concerned with self. Their reflex action is always of a selfish nature. They always want to know how something benefits them. Some people know they are selfish and are proud of it. Some people are not aware of their selfish behavior. The funny thing is there are probably some some pretty selfish people reading this right now, thinking about the people in their lives they feel have been selfish towards them. It is that deep.
Why be selfish? To protect and look out for their best interest. At one time or another this person was let down, hurt, taken advantage of and refuses to be put in that position again. By no means am I making excuses for some one's selfish behavior. However, as human beings, we want to know why people do what they do. It helps us to understand and hopefully deal with it better. Some people feel that being selfish is the only way their needs will be met. Being selfish is a learned behavior just like lying or yelling. These are all behaviors people have learned to do as a response to other behaviors. Some people feel that telling a lie is easier than telling the truth because they didn't like the reaction they received from telling the truth (Now that is a whole nother issue we will not dive into at this time). Some people yell because they think this will help get their point across, at one time speaking softly did not yield the response they desired and yelling does. Now we have people who feel like being selfish is the only way to yield the response they desire.
Now please don't confuse self love with being selfish. You can love, care for and honor yourself and not be selfish. There is a fine line and a big difference. It is important for us to practice self care and self love. But guess what? We can do those things without hurting others. Those are the things that must come first before we can love another. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. Being selfish does not need to play a part. We care for ourselves by going to the doctors when we should, eating healthy, exercising, getting adequate rest, slowing down when our body tells us, not taking on too much, keeping our stress level down, being around positive people, etc. We love ourselves by accepting & respecting who we are as human beings allowed to make mistakes, forgiving ourselves, not beating ourselves up, the world will do that, we do not need to add to it. We engage in activities that make us happy, that bring us joy. There should be no guilt in loving and caring for ourselves and at no point did I mention disregarding others. We do not have hurt others in order to feel better. We do not have to speak or act negatively to others, making them feel feelings we don't like to feel ourselves. We can love us and them at the same time.
How to deal with selfish people, very carefully. We have to remember that they are selfish, not us. We do not want to take on their selfish behavior. We find the need to protect and look out for ourselves when we are around selfish people. No need. As long as you communicate clearly with that person your boundaries, you adhere to those boundaries, you should be fine. We must know that we cannot control others' behavior, we can only control our response to them. We may notice that keeping our distance from that person is the only response, if you can do that, but if you can't, you may need to think of strategies to help you in situations of close proximity with a selfish person. One thing to do is know that they will choose themselves over you everyday, they will not hesitate in hurting your feelings to protect theirs. The first thing we want to do is think "how can someone be so selfish?" No time for judgment, just be yourself, do not let this person take you off your square. Be clear in your communication, set your boundaries, and stick to it. Also, assess whether this person needs to play an active role in your life, if not, stay away. With some people, like family and co-workers we have to suck it up and think of other ways of coping. Some people we just don't need to be around for any reason so why add to the stress and strain. Sometimes if severing ties is the consequences of selfish behavior, if that person wants you in their life, they may adjust themselves a bit for you, I said, a bit. Please know this is an ongoing behavior that is extremely hard to change. Also know that a person cannot be selfish and love you at the same time. Not possible. Whether they are in a selfish phase or certain situations trigger a certain selfish act or they are selfish down to their DNA, it is a behavior. The person has to want to change their behavior you cannot do anything about it or for it. If someone in your life is selfish, they have admitted it and want to change it then you can support them in this endeavor, but your role as supporter will be a difficult one so be ready.
How to change your own selfish behavior, the first step is being honest with yourself about being selfish. Have you been thinking of yourself regardless of others. Having your been hurting others in order to get your needs met. STOP IT! How? Now this is if you want to stop being selfish, some will still feel justified in their selfish behavior even after reading this. You know what, that is quite alright. But here's my disclaimer: acting selfishly will cause damage to your health, spirituality, and relationships with family and friends. Selfish people are rarely healthy, they are usually stressed. Their spiritual well being is compromised by being selfish, spiritual health requires you to be humble and loving; you can't do that while being selfish. Your relationships will be damaged because NO ONE wants to be around a selfish person. People will get tired real soon of being hurt and ignored by you. If you are okay with these selfish side effects, then by all means, carry on. If you are not, and you want to change this disgusting behavior, please take note. It will not be easy. Like all behavior change, you must be consistent. You must think about your actions as they happen, assess the motives for those actions: love or selfishness? If it's selfishness, retract, rethink and come again. At first it will feel unnatural, you will be frustrated. Sometimes you will revert back to what comes natural to you, but you have to persevere. Behavior change takes a change in knowledge, perception and efficacy. You know better, you see things differently and you have the ability to change it. People will not respond to you as they once have, remember this, the people around you have been used to you being selfish and they treat you a certain way because of it. You haven't noticed because you have been so busy being selfish. I wish you all of the best in your behavior change adventure. Please keep me posted on how things go.
I end this with this: LOVE and SELFISHNESS cannot exist in the same space. Choose wisely.
With Love
Why be selfish? To protect and look out for their best interest. At one time or another this person was let down, hurt, taken advantage of and refuses to be put in that position again. By no means am I making excuses for some one's selfish behavior. However, as human beings, we want to know why people do what they do. It helps us to understand and hopefully deal with it better. Some people feel that being selfish is the only way their needs will be met. Being selfish is a learned behavior just like lying or yelling. These are all behaviors people have learned to do as a response to other behaviors. Some people feel that telling a lie is easier than telling the truth because they didn't like the reaction they received from telling the truth (Now that is a whole nother issue we will not dive into at this time). Some people yell because they think this will help get their point across, at one time speaking softly did not yield the response they desired and yelling does. Now we have people who feel like being selfish is the only way to yield the response they desire.
Now please don't confuse self love with being selfish. You can love, care for and honor yourself and not be selfish. There is a fine line and a big difference. It is important for us to practice self care and self love. But guess what? We can do those things without hurting others. Those are the things that must come first before we can love another. We must love ourselves before we can love someone else. Being selfish does not need to play a part. We care for ourselves by going to the doctors when we should, eating healthy, exercising, getting adequate rest, slowing down when our body tells us, not taking on too much, keeping our stress level down, being around positive people, etc. We love ourselves by accepting & respecting who we are as human beings allowed to make mistakes, forgiving ourselves, not beating ourselves up, the world will do that, we do not need to add to it. We engage in activities that make us happy, that bring us joy. There should be no guilt in loving and caring for ourselves and at no point did I mention disregarding others. We do not have hurt others in order to feel better. We do not have to speak or act negatively to others, making them feel feelings we don't like to feel ourselves. We can love us and them at the same time.
How to deal with selfish people, very carefully. We have to remember that they are selfish, not us. We do not want to take on their selfish behavior. We find the need to protect and look out for ourselves when we are around selfish people. No need. As long as you communicate clearly with that person your boundaries, you adhere to those boundaries, you should be fine. We must know that we cannot control others' behavior, we can only control our response to them. We may notice that keeping our distance from that person is the only response, if you can do that, but if you can't, you may need to think of strategies to help you in situations of close proximity with a selfish person. One thing to do is know that they will choose themselves over you everyday, they will not hesitate in hurting your feelings to protect theirs. The first thing we want to do is think "how can someone be so selfish?" No time for judgment, just be yourself, do not let this person take you off your square. Be clear in your communication, set your boundaries, and stick to it. Also, assess whether this person needs to play an active role in your life, if not, stay away. With some people, like family and co-workers we have to suck it up and think of other ways of coping. Some people we just don't need to be around for any reason so why add to the stress and strain. Sometimes if severing ties is the consequences of selfish behavior, if that person wants you in their life, they may adjust themselves a bit for you, I said, a bit. Please know this is an ongoing behavior that is extremely hard to change. Also know that a person cannot be selfish and love you at the same time. Not possible. Whether they are in a selfish phase or certain situations trigger a certain selfish act or they are selfish down to their DNA, it is a behavior. The person has to want to change their behavior you cannot do anything about it or for it. If someone in your life is selfish, they have admitted it and want to change it then you can support them in this endeavor, but your role as supporter will be a difficult one so be ready.
How to change your own selfish behavior, the first step is being honest with yourself about being selfish. Have you been thinking of yourself regardless of others. Having your been hurting others in order to get your needs met. STOP IT! How? Now this is if you want to stop being selfish, some will still feel justified in their selfish behavior even after reading this. You know what, that is quite alright. But here's my disclaimer: acting selfishly will cause damage to your health, spirituality, and relationships with family and friends. Selfish people are rarely healthy, they are usually stressed. Their spiritual well being is compromised by being selfish, spiritual health requires you to be humble and loving; you can't do that while being selfish. Your relationships will be damaged because NO ONE wants to be around a selfish person. People will get tired real soon of being hurt and ignored by you. If you are okay with these selfish side effects, then by all means, carry on. If you are not, and you want to change this disgusting behavior, please take note. It will not be easy. Like all behavior change, you must be consistent. You must think about your actions as they happen, assess the motives for those actions: love or selfishness? If it's selfishness, retract, rethink and come again. At first it will feel unnatural, you will be frustrated. Sometimes you will revert back to what comes natural to you, but you have to persevere. Behavior change takes a change in knowledge, perception and efficacy. You know better, you see things differently and you have the ability to change it. People will not respond to you as they once have, remember this, the people around you have been used to you being selfish and they treat you a certain way because of it. You haven't noticed because you have been so busy being selfish. I wish you all of the best in your behavior change adventure. Please keep me posted on how things go.
I end this with this: LOVE and SELFISHNESS cannot exist in the same space. Choose wisely.
With Love
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Love Letter
Dear Friends,
I'm moved to write this letter because I believe there are some things you need to know, maybe nobody has ever told you or maybe they did and you need confirmation from another source. Sometimes when people speak to each other they do not always hear what the other is saying. A letter is something that could be read over and over, taken in piece by piece. Seeing the words come off the page may help you understand more than if you were to hear the words come from some one's mouth. You can read in private so your reactions can be genuine and not masked for those who may be around you. If you want to laugh, laugh, if you want to cry cry. There's no one but you and the words.
My friend I feel compelled to share my observations and provide feedback. As a teacher, providing feedback is something we are suppose to do, students look for feedback. They want to know how to be better and feedback is crucial to that process. Feedback is provided based on the assignment not the person who did the assignment, therefore making it unbiased feedback. Just like the feedback I will provide in this letter is based on actions, not the person. Therefore if the actions apply to you, then the feedback may be helpful in your self growth, if the actions do not apply to you, then take the information for future reference or pass on to others who may be in need of it. This not a form of judgement, it not my place to judge. My role is simply to tell you what I see. Sometimes we don't realize that people see things in us and just don't say anything. So we go on living our lives thinking that it's fine and our mask is working.
I have noticed your smile. It is not as bright as it once was. The glimmer in the eye that used to accompany the smile is missing. The smile seems forced and unnatural and I can't help but wonder why. My immediate response is how do we get the loving, genuine, bright smile back? Can I help? Is life beating you down? Is life sucking the LIFE out of you? I see you moving through the motions. You go to work, you may go to the gym, you go out with friends, you hang out with family, but the joy in doing those things is missing. When you get home behind closed doors, your smile is gone. What happened? You are merely a shell of yourself. I see you. I hurt for you.
I notice your expectations on people to make you happy. Your expectations for material things to make you happy. Yet, you have many people in your life and many beautiful things but you are still not happy. The constant need to accumulate "friends" and/or material things in hopes of making your life mean something. You have a "good" job making a lot of money. You have a beautiful house. However those people and things have not lived up to the expectation of making you feel satisfied. Behind the smile is emptiness. I know you hoped no one could see.
For you things are just not working out like you planned. People are not coming through like they said. You keep finding yourself in situations and circumstances that require you to be constantly thinking about ways to get out of them. No time to enjoy life. The money is not right, the bills are piling up. Everyone else seems to be doing better. Everyone else seems to be happy. For some reason, these things don't happen to them. You are just tired, tired of the hamster wheel you have been on for the past few months/years. Always in a jam needing someone to help out. If only this didn't happen or that didn't happen or the money was flowing, life would not be so hard.
My message to all of you is that, there is no "happily ever after." We go through life looking for stuff to make us happy. If only we had this or that. There are a million "if only's." We each have separate lives. We all come from different backgrounds with different resources. Now we just have to use those resources to our benefit. However those first thing we need to do is STOP. Take a moment to sit back and assess our situation. When we have so much going on, it's a good idea to push pause. Get away from people and situations. Turn the phone off. Get some alone time to think. Look at where you were a year ago or two years ago. Are you better off or worse? What are some decisions you've made that contributed to you being where you are today? What were the motives of those decisions? Be honest with yourself. This is alone time with yourself so no excuses are necessary. If you made good decisions that had good motives, be proud of yourself. If you made some bad decisions based on some bad motives then you need to acknowledge that and not do that again. The only good motive is love. When we make decisions coming from a place of love, the outcome will always be good. When I say love, I mean love of your children, love of yourself, love of others absence of ego, pride, money, convenience, appearance, etc. Pure love. Corinthians 13 is a very popular scripture and it is about love.
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never fails
When we think about love, we think about romantic love. We must think about love in the purest sense. This is the love that conquers all, not the chick flick romantic love we immediately think of. When we make decisions from a place of love, we can use Corinthians 13 as a checklist. Go through and read it again. Then look back at the decisions you've made in life and see if Love was your motive. The goal is not to look back and regret. The goal is to learn from our past so that we can be better now and in the future. We want to live happy fulfilling lives. The only way to do that is to start with love. In the beginning you will have to force yourself to think differently, after a while it will come naturally, that is the way we change our bad habits to good ones. I share this information because I love you as friends and I will also use this information for my own personal life because I love myself. We deserve more than what we have right now and what we have been accepting. Love yourself enough to be honest about who you are and what you want out of life. Love others enough to show your true self. Love yourself enough to seek balance in your life. Balance consist of an almost equal amount of time spent with family life, career life, spiritual life, exercise, social life, etc and when you have these things in your life balanced AND you begin to make decisions from a place of love. Watch how things will change for you. It is when we weigh heavy on the career side or social side or the family side, and we ignore those other parts of our lives that need attention, we begin to feel overwhelmed or even stuck. Look at your life, is it balanced? If not take some time to realign it the way that it should be. Pull back on those things taking most of your energy and attention and add to those things that need your attention. Remember if you feed it, it will grow. You want to feed all of it. First you must start with love.
Love,
Me :)
I'm moved to write this letter because I believe there are some things you need to know, maybe nobody has ever told you or maybe they did and you need confirmation from another source. Sometimes when people speak to each other they do not always hear what the other is saying. A letter is something that could be read over and over, taken in piece by piece. Seeing the words come off the page may help you understand more than if you were to hear the words come from some one's mouth. You can read in private so your reactions can be genuine and not masked for those who may be around you. If you want to laugh, laugh, if you want to cry cry. There's no one but you and the words.
My friend I feel compelled to share my observations and provide feedback. As a teacher, providing feedback is something we are suppose to do, students look for feedback. They want to know how to be better and feedback is crucial to that process. Feedback is provided based on the assignment not the person who did the assignment, therefore making it unbiased feedback. Just like the feedback I will provide in this letter is based on actions, not the person. Therefore if the actions apply to you, then the feedback may be helpful in your self growth, if the actions do not apply to you, then take the information for future reference or pass on to others who may be in need of it. This not a form of judgement, it not my place to judge. My role is simply to tell you what I see. Sometimes we don't realize that people see things in us and just don't say anything. So we go on living our lives thinking that it's fine and our mask is working.
I have noticed your smile. It is not as bright as it once was. The glimmer in the eye that used to accompany the smile is missing. The smile seems forced and unnatural and I can't help but wonder why. My immediate response is how do we get the loving, genuine, bright smile back? Can I help? Is life beating you down? Is life sucking the LIFE out of you? I see you moving through the motions. You go to work, you may go to the gym, you go out with friends, you hang out with family, but the joy in doing those things is missing. When you get home behind closed doors, your smile is gone. What happened? You are merely a shell of yourself. I see you. I hurt for you.
I notice your expectations on people to make you happy. Your expectations for material things to make you happy. Yet, you have many people in your life and many beautiful things but you are still not happy. The constant need to accumulate "friends" and/or material things in hopes of making your life mean something. You have a "good" job making a lot of money. You have a beautiful house. However those people and things have not lived up to the expectation of making you feel satisfied. Behind the smile is emptiness. I know you hoped no one could see.
For you things are just not working out like you planned. People are not coming through like they said. You keep finding yourself in situations and circumstances that require you to be constantly thinking about ways to get out of them. No time to enjoy life. The money is not right, the bills are piling up. Everyone else seems to be doing better. Everyone else seems to be happy. For some reason, these things don't happen to them. You are just tired, tired of the hamster wheel you have been on for the past few months/years. Always in a jam needing someone to help out. If only this didn't happen or that didn't happen or the money was flowing, life would not be so hard.
My message to all of you is that, there is no "happily ever after." We go through life looking for stuff to make us happy. If only we had this or that. There are a million "if only's." We each have separate lives. We all come from different backgrounds with different resources. Now we just have to use those resources to our benefit. However those first thing we need to do is STOP. Take a moment to sit back and assess our situation. When we have so much going on, it's a good idea to push pause. Get away from people and situations. Turn the phone off. Get some alone time to think. Look at where you were a year ago or two years ago. Are you better off or worse? What are some decisions you've made that contributed to you being where you are today? What were the motives of those decisions? Be honest with yourself. This is alone time with yourself so no excuses are necessary. If you made good decisions that had good motives, be proud of yourself. If you made some bad decisions based on some bad motives then you need to acknowledge that and not do that again. The only good motive is love. When we make decisions coming from a place of love, the outcome will always be good. When I say love, I mean love of your children, love of yourself, love of others absence of ego, pride, money, convenience, appearance, etc. Pure love. Corinthians 13 is a very popular scripture and it is about love.
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
Love never fails
When we think about love, we think about romantic love. We must think about love in the purest sense. This is the love that conquers all, not the chick flick romantic love we immediately think of. When we make decisions from a place of love, we can use Corinthians 13 as a checklist. Go through and read it again. Then look back at the decisions you've made in life and see if Love was your motive. The goal is not to look back and regret. The goal is to learn from our past so that we can be better now and in the future. We want to live happy fulfilling lives. The only way to do that is to start with love. In the beginning you will have to force yourself to think differently, after a while it will come naturally, that is the way we change our bad habits to good ones. I share this information because I love you as friends and I will also use this information for my own personal life because I love myself. We deserve more than what we have right now and what we have been accepting. Love yourself enough to be honest about who you are and what you want out of life. Love others enough to show your true self. Love yourself enough to seek balance in your life. Balance consist of an almost equal amount of time spent with family life, career life, spiritual life, exercise, social life, etc and when you have these things in your life balanced AND you begin to make decisions from a place of love. Watch how things will change for you. It is when we weigh heavy on the career side or social side or the family side, and we ignore those other parts of our lives that need attention, we begin to feel overwhelmed or even stuck. Look at your life, is it balanced? If not take some time to realign it the way that it should be. Pull back on those things taking most of your energy and attention and add to those things that need your attention. Remember if you feed it, it will grow. You want to feed all of it. First you must start with love.
Love,
Me :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)